3 Approaches to Stop Second Guessing Yourself
Are you tired of that nagging inner voice undermining your confidence? Learn how to trust yourself more and worry less with these powerful techniques.
Recently, I led a public speaking workshop for graduate students at UC Berkeley's School of Information. We started with a room full of nerves. By the end, each participant was confidently sharing their learnings. When each person spoke up, I smiled as each share was an example - and celebration - of public speaking. A shift from "I can't do this" to "I can do this" in just one session.
What did I do? I provided various approaches, giving each person options to try out. Pairing created a support system and got everyone talking out loud — which is what public speaking is. By breaking down something scary into small achievable steps, each participant became more confident speaking in front of a group.
I share this story as self-doubt can turn common activities, like public speaking, into big monsters. It has taken me a year to quiet the voice in my head worrying about others’ opinions. Here are three approaches that have helped me and my clients build self-trust, quiet inner resistance, and move forward with confidence.
Internal Family Systems
Imposter Syndrome Reframing
Let Them, Let Me
In this article, we'll explore each of these techniques in depth, providing you with actionable strategies to transform your "can I" into "I can." By the end, you'll have a toolkit to boost your confidence, both inside and out.
Don’t shrink yourself to give others room
Have you ever found yourself overanalyzing how others perceive you? Wondering if you’re doing a good job, even when evidence says you are? You are not alone.
Carolyn Freyer-Jones of the Coaching Success School recounted a conversation with a boss.
"When we're sensitive, and I say 'we' because I am, and you are, one of the most important things we need to do in life is to learn not to bow to other people's opinions."
We all have choices. We can learn to tolerate the discomfort of difficult conversations, listen to our own hearts, and let go of others' opinions. We can choose courage and the unknown - where new experiences lie - to stretch beyond our perceived limitations into new ways of being.
Leading, whether up, down, or sideways, is about managing your mind and influencing others. If you feel stuck in self-doubt, second-guess your abilities, or wish to silence your inner critic, the first step is to appreciate the voice is your own.
1. Internal Family Systems (IFS): Which part would like the floor?
You know that internal conversation.
“You’re not doing enough.”
“What if they think you’re not as competent as you seem?”
“You should have understood this by now.”
One internal part of you is speaking up. According to Internal Family Systems (IFS), that part has good intentions.
IFS, a therapeutic framework created by Dr. Richard Schwartz, suggests our minds aren’t one singular “self.” Instead, we’re made up of different parts, each with its own role:
Protectors keep us safe from discomfort, such as self-doubt or criticism.
Exiles hold past wounds or fears.
Managers try to control everything to avoid failure.
At some point in your life, those parts helped you. But they can also hold you back, keeping you small when you’re ready to grow.
Use IFS to Move Forward with Confidence
Next time self-doubt creeps in, pause and ask: Who’s speaking?
Is the overachiever afraid of appearing incompetent?
Is the perfectionist trying to protect you from failure?
Is the cautious part recalling past criticism?
Instead of shutting them down, acknowledge them. You can even name them. I talk to mine. “Hey, I see you’re trying to protect me. Right now, I need to trust my instincts and believe in myself to learn. I’ve got this.” You thank the part for its consideration and take one step forward.
The more you do this, the more self-trust replaces self-doubt.
2. Imposter Syndrome Reframing: Using It as Fuel, Not Fear
If you’ve ever felt any of the following, raise your metaphorical hand.
Everyone else seems more capable than me.
What if they discover I don’t know everything?
I just work hard. I don’t deserve the praise.
In our rapidly changing tech world, product people are constantly trying new and unfamiliar things to delight our customers. Exploring the unknown is both exciting and intimidating. In fact up to 82% of people suffer from impostor syndrome (Bloomberg).
Impostor Syndrome: Deep fear of being exposed as someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing, despite their position in the world.
Imposter syndrome appears when we push beyond our comfort zone. What if that wasn’t bad? That fear and doubt may nudge you to better performance.
Instead of seeing imposter syndrome as a problem, try this:
Reframe it as energy. Discomfort means you’re stretching into new territory.
Use it as fuel. Let it motivate you to prepare, not freeze, ahead of a big task.
Celebrate the learning. It’s proof you’re growing, not proof you’re failing.
Flip the script. Instead of thinking “I don’t belong here,” try “I’m learning, and that’s why I belong here.”
Every exceptional leader I know has faced imposter syndrome, even the ultra-confident ones. The difference? They didn’t let it hold them back.
3. The Let Them Theory: Release What You Can’t Control
The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins is simple and transformative.
Let people think what they want.
Let them react how they react.
Let them misunderstand you.
Someone being a jerk or giving you the silent treatment? It all stems from their inability to understand their emotions or past demons.
You can’t control how others think or perceive a situation, but you can control how you show up. Ask yourself, what weather am I bringing today? Your mood, energy, and attitude set the tone for your interactions. If you show up stressed or anxious, that cloud will impact how others act around you - amplifying your own inner turmoil.
“The person who needs to change is you. And that’s good news, because it means YOU have the power and you reclaim it by choosing how you respond.”
Let Me Change the Narrative
For every self-doubt spiral starting with “What if they think I’m not good enough?”, shift the focus:
Let them be them.
Instead, put your energy into Let me.
Let me trust I’m contributing my best. Let me decide I’m enough, whether they see it or not. Let me stay focused on what I can control: my effort, mindset, and impact.
This shift is liberating. You reclaim your power by focusing on what you think, feel, and do, instead of overanalyzing others’ thoughts.
“When you operate in a way that makes you proud of yourself, it doesn’t matter what other people think.”
Applying ‘Let Them’ to Work
As Let Them teaches us, we cannot control others - even our own teams, despite our best efforts. What we can do is Let Me. Let Me show up how I expect and want team members, colleagues, and stakeholders to show up. Treat others how you expect and want (deserve) to be treated.
Let Them own their work. Ownership is essential. When people are trusted to solve problems, make decisions, and bring ideas to life, they take pride in the results. When you Let Them, their work becomes theirs, not just your checklist.
Let Them be themselves. The best teams consist of people who show up as their authentic selves. They bring diverse strengths and perspectives. Leadership isn’t about molding individuals into a singular version of success. It’s about celebrating individuality and creating space for all voices.
Let Them follow your clear direction. Empowerment doesn’t mean stepping back completely or letting teams lack direction. Great leaders provide clarity of purpose, goals, and expectations. When your team knows where they’re going and why it matters, you create the framework they need to succeed.
Putting It All Together: Dialing Up Confidence, Dialing Down Overthinking
Next time self-doubt kicks in, try this three-part process:
IFS: Notice which inner voice is speaking and acknowledge it. Take a few minutes to reflect on your most common self-doubting thoughts. Can you name the "parts" speaking up?
Imposter Syndrome Reframe: Recognize discomfort means growth, not failure. The next time you feel like an imposter, write down three ways this challenge is helping you grow.
Let Them Theory: Choose one situation where you're overthinking others' opinions. How can you shift your focus to "Let me" instead? Let go of what you can’t control, and focus on your self-trust.
You don’t need permission to lead or to be perfect to be valuable. You already have everything you need. You just need to trust yourself to use it.
If you're looking for more ways to build confidence and move forward in your career, I have some exciting things in motion:
Connect over LinkedIn with a note: Diana Stepner
Join my Maven course to learn how to apply soft skills as a product manager
Curious about coaching? Let’s talk.
Thank you for reading!